Sit with the discomfort

Ever since I can remember, I have tried to run from pain and discomfort, whether emotional, mental or physical. I, instead, would obsess, wonder, escape, run away, ask why, or inquire how long it would last. I wanted to feel good and would do whatever it took, pay tons of money, to make myself feel better. I HAD to feel better, my life depended on it, I would say!

One day, I decided to sit with the discomfort and go into the pain. Below are some things I learned along the way:

Many times our body stores our emotional pain that eventually can come out in disease or sickness. So I like to get into a room where I know I won’t be disrupted and I tune into my body. I start at my head, putting all of my focus on my head, and I see and feel what comes up. When I feel empty emotionally, I move on to the next body part and start the process again. I slowly make my way down my whole body. In doing this, it has allowed me to freely release the stored pain so I can move on.

In addition, I realized that when I made a decision to sit with my discomfort, my pain, and breathe through it, I discovered it wasn’t unbearable. I could totally handle it!! Doing deep breathing to calm myself down, I discovered it was my RESISTANCE to it that made it unbearable.

I don’t thank my body enough! I put it through a lot without every really appreciating ALL of its wonder and beauty. So I will say right now, I am so grateful for my body and its strength, endurance and love for me. It has taken on all of my pain so I could do what I do.

I would like to practice slowing down, listening more and being more gentle and present. Today I am breathing.

These shoes – a short story

This is a short story with mature themes.

Being a woman is hard.   Sometimes we are faced with decisions that can alter our lives forever.   Be authentic, not your perceived “perfect” self but the you that is you, right now.  We all do the best we can, with what we have. We have not walked in another’s shoes. So let’s help lift each other up and practice love and forgiveness. Let’s help the world heal by offering compassion, acceptance and empathy as we all stumble through this thing called Life.   Whether you have children or not, being a woman can be hard work. We need each other. We need our soul sisters.


Chapter 1

Sunny discovers she is pregnant. Even thought she was using birth control, it still happened. For the week before Sunny finds out, she was at work and had a deep feeling of foreboding. She tells her partner, Rick, “Something feels off.” She says it feels like, “Something that could change my life.”

Flash forward two months.  Sunny is at the top of a building in Chicago during her lunch break and she is begging God to help her.  Sunny has a lot of guilt over an abortion she just had. How could she do this? This is not the person she is, she thinks to herself.  Sunny looks down from the tall building she is on and watches the little people below. She looks across the cloudy sky feeling the depths of her despair.  The clouds are in sync with the way she feels and her despair is heard across the universe. She remembers how it came to be.

Sunny finds out she is pregnant one day. She is so confused because she used birth control.   Her new love, Rick, has his own plans and becoming a dad at this time is not where he is at.  He has been dreaming his whole life for this career he is about to step into. Rick has acquired some money and he is going to paint for a year.  A gallery is already interested in showing his work and this is all he can think about. In discussing it with family members Sunny gets the feeling that they have their own plans as well.Nobody offers to help with raising the baby or helping with child care. She feels extremely alone and realizes that she needs to make the right decision for her, as if she was alone.

Nobody offers to help with raising the baby or helping with child care. She feels extremely alone and realizes that she needs to make the right decision for her, as if she was alone.

One day Sunny is lying on the bed and she is crying hysterically.  “I cannot abort,” she says. On the flip side, this horrible sense of dread comes over her because she knows she will have to find child care and this thought alone sets her into a panic. For you see, this young woman has suffered deep feelings of abandonment.  Even though she understands that many people send their babies off to child-care, for Sunny the thought of sending her baby away fills her with such fear, dread and hopelessness. She felt such fear and terror as a little girl and the thoughts of sending her child away fills her with dread.

So lying on the bed and crying hysterically, Sunny is filled with deep despair.  To her, it is a lose-lose situation. She is spent. She is silent. Amazingly and suddenly, this feeling of calmness and peace comes over her as she hears four magic words.  “I will be back.”

Sunny looks around . . . “who said that?”  She sits and ponders . . . and realizes that she has just experienced divine intervention.   She makes her choice.

Spencer has been observing all of this unfold.  He feels so bad that she is experiencing such profound sadness so he has to say something!   Spencer wanted to come into the planet earth now but he is fine with coming in at a different time.  Since there really is no time Spencer is cool with it all and will come into the planet at a different opportunity.   In the meantime, Spencer decides to hang with Pete, a soul brother on a similar quest.

Spencer and Pete love playing the game called Create.   In just thinking about Pete, Spencer finds himself sitting next to him on a bench, overlooking a vast ocean.

“What do you want to create today Pete?” Pete looks over, happy to see his friend.  “I have been studying Johanna.” Spencer knows exactly what Pete is talking about. Pete wants so much to have an earthly experience and life but, because of everything we have heard about earth, he is kind of hesitant and has been holding back. Because of this one reason, Pete has made agreements with others to just experience an earthly feeling of being in the womb of another. Usually, when the time is right, Pete steps out.  Pete is trying to get his nerve up to actually make an agreement with another soul to stay and experience a life on earth.

“Do you remember how I told you I wanted to experience what pain and forgiveness feels like?” Pete asks me.   I look over at my friend, happy for him, and I affirm “You have found the right soul to experience pain and forgiveness with.” At this, Pete beams.

In thinking about Johanna, we are both now beams of light from the moon and we are watching  Johanna drive in a car with a man. The car is swerving all over the road. They both appear very drunk.   They pull over and park. Johanna is 15 years old.

All of a sudden, Pete declares “Sanctuary” and Pete and Spencer are now in a vast forest, full of wildlife, bright flowers, tall green trees and a calm and peaceful pool of clear water.  “Johanna is also wanting to experience pain and forgiveness so it seems like a perfect arrangement.” Pete is beaming and you can tell he is very excited and most ready. “I am happy for you my friend.”

Spencer and Pete have known each other forever.  Spencer has spent time on earth, as well as other planets.  Earth is fun to Spencer because of the vast emotions one can experience.  It is never dull or boring and the experience is rich. This will be Pete’s first experience, unlike Spencer.
 “Let’s make a point of connecting at some point,” we both decide together.

Pete is born in the year 2006  to a sixteen year old girl, Johanna.  Johanna hates her life, her parents, her school and most importantly, her loser of a boyfriend, Rush.  She knows now that he used her to get into her pants. “How stupid was she,” Johanna thinks to herself.  “My parents were right.” “I am a loser, a nobody, and very worthless.” “What am I going to do with a baby . . . and how am I going to live?” The baby looks just like Rush.  “Great!”

The soul of Pete, in earth form, is named Lewie.  Lewie loves his mom and every time he sees her he screams with delight.  She tries to be a mom, she tries to smile when she sees him, she tries to nurse him but whenever she looks at him all she sees is the betrayal of Rush.   She despises herself which, in turn, causes her to despise her son.

Johanna tries to make it work.  She quits school and gets a full time job at Dunkin Donuts.  Her parents barely look at her and living under their roof, with a baby no less, is unbearable.  So one day, Johanna kisses Lewie goodbye on the forehead like she does every morning, but on this day she doesn’t return.  

The daycare tries to call Johanna but it goes right to voicemail.  Lewie’s grandparents, Ron and Rhonda, get a call from the daycare that Johanna has not picked up Lewie.  In exasperation, because it is expected with a daughter like her, Ron and Rhonda pick up Lewie from the daycare.   He screams for Johanna and it appears to them, he never stops screaming.


Chapter 2

Spencer notices Sunny lying down on the floor.  She is working at a daycare and all of the students are trying to nap.   She decides to lie down with them. He whispers in her ear, “You have just conceived.”  As a beam of sunlight, Spencer observes her sit right up and look around. He remembers how badly she has felt because of the decision that was made years earlier and he felt it important to give her this message.

On the day of the procedure all those years ago, Sunny prays to God for strength.  She has always felt a very large presence of God working in her life. She knows that by praying, this strength will either carry her out of the clinic or help her go through with it.   She prays, and she does have the strength, and she stays. This does not come without consequence, however.

Some months later, Sunny is at the top of a building in Chicago during her lunch break, asking God to grant her understanding and healing.   She feels such guilt . . . and experiences doubt of the divine intervention she thought she received. Self doubt festers and she wonders if she can even go on.

After deep prayer and sobbing, she climbs down the stairs and heads to a coffee shop, where she sits and ponders.

Sunny is sitting there minding her own business and drinking coffee when all of a sudden a woman zooms in on her and walks over to her table.  The woman sits down. Sunny is stunned and looks at her questioningly. Without saying a word, this woman starts reading her palm and starts saying things that give her hope.   Sunny again feels divine intervention thinking that this is a messenger from God. Then all of a sudden, the woman, named Carla, turns dark.

Carla tells Sunny that her relationship is in trouble and she is probably doomed unless she accepts help from her.   For this woman to help her, Sunny needs to go to a department store and buy her a scarf. Sunny is initially doubtful and is starting to consider this a scam but her vulnerability allows her to question her own self.   She starts thinking that this must be a message from God because she had just asked for help so Sunny walks with Carla to a department store and buys her a very expensive scarf. The way it was explained to Sunny was that everything is energy. If she has something from Sunny, she will be able to do the energy work needed to help her and heal her relationship.  

The last thing Carla says to her was, “God wants us to trust each other more.”

Even though Sunny’s intuition and instinct were screaming that something was wrong, her doubts, confusion and vulnerability made her easy prey.  Sunny walked away trying to remain positive but the experience left her feeling confused and sad.

A couple of days later Sunny received a call from another woman, named Betty. Betty tells her that she got her number from Carla in the café.  She tells Sunny that Carla cannot help her, but she could. She tells Sunny that she needs money from her so she can help her. She used lots of fear tactics — claiming that Sunny’s relationship was doomed without her.  She told her that there were souls that didn’t want her relationship to work and souls out to get her. Sunny was in shock and quite confused. She told her she would think about it and call her back.

After Sunny hung up, the truth became crystal clear.    She realized that she had been scammed and she was ticked off at God for allowing this to happen.  

Spencer observed as Sunny called back Carla and very clearly explained how she really felt about Carla.  Sunny was ticked off but she felt incredibly empowered, listening to her inner self. Spencer beamed.

On that day, Sunny reclaimed back her power.    She realized that nobody had power over her life and how important it was to trust self.

Spencer observed the growth of Sunny.  One day, as a beam of light, he observed her giving a presentation to a group of adults, going through grief. She shared that it took many years for her to realize that gift of that encounter. One day during meditation, Sunny realized that God had never left her.   She realized that she was so outwardly down on herself that day and another soul saw an opportunity to feed on her weakness, her vulnerability for profit. The lesson Sunny realized in full detail was to always trust her inner voice – trust the messages she receives from Spirit. Sunny didn’t trust the warning bells she was getting when that woman professed that, “I alone can save you.”  Sunny realized that she could not always see the big picture so trusting in herself was of utmost importance

Two years later, when Sunny and her husband were ready for a child, she was sitting at work at the daycare when all of a sudden she heard a voice.  This voice said, “You have just conceived.” Sure enough, in the upcoming week Sunny found out she was pregnant.

Spencer was born in the year 2006. Sunny and Josh were thrilled.  Spencer was planned, wanted, the light of their lives and Sunny and Josh named him Timmy.


Chapter 3

Timmy is the most  happy baby. He is nursed on demand.  He sleeps when he is tired and at night co sleeps with his parents. Sunny stays home with him and in fact, wears him on her back so he can be attached to her at all times. Sunny knows what it is like to feel abandoned so she makes sure and gives him everything he needs, to the point of  her own exhaustion.

One day when she finds herself screaming at Timmy because he got into her files, she knows she needs to make better choices. How can she give anything to Timmy if she doesn’t first fill herself up? Sunny has an awareness about herself and her life and she is able to heed the messages when needed. Once Sunny starts taking better care of herself first, she has the energy and love to give to Timmy. She has never been happier.

Timmy feels such a connection with his mom and dad. He feels like he can tell them anything and he loves hanging out with his mom every day.  Some kids have to go to a school, she explains, but he gets to hang out with her and all of the fun places she takes him. His most favorite days are when she takes him to the zoo and he gets to see all of the animals living a life of luxury. Mom makes sure to tell Timmy that they were rescued animals and are not able to live in the wild – this is the only zoo mom will take him to.

It’s fine with Timmy – mom is his idol.



Trust your life plan

Many times in our lives we may find ourselves in situations that question all of our decisions. Then one day we may get an “Ah ha” moment that brings such clarity and understanding. Because of these gifts, I remind myself of this wisdom during uncomfortable times. I remind myself that in that one precious moment of decision, it felt right. So I choose to honor that, trust that, and I sit with the uncomfort as I choose to show up, day by day, keeping it real. The excitement and joy happens subtly and the confidence and trust in self grows. It’s easy to stay as-is even though gentle nudges are trying to get our attention. Change can be hard. But listen we must. Act we must. Or one day we wake up and realize we missed the boat. Get to know yourself. Trust yourself. Honor your nudges. Keep it about you and what you are choosing to do, or not do, and leave the blame game behind. Trust the process of your life. You are where you are supposed to be, right now. So, what do you choose?

Take pause…and feel

For some of us, dealing with anxiety and/or depression has been a roller coaster ride for much of our lives. We are up, we are down. We are on, we are off. When we feel good we want to hang onto those feelings and never let them go, sometimes to our own detriment. I mean can you blame us? Feeling good feels good and we don’t want it to end. When we feel that darkness starting to creep in, we ignore it. We may start to use some tools we know of to get back on track and we push forward. And then one day we pause. We may look over at our senior animal companion and feel immense sadness that they are changing…growing old and we cry. And with tears streaming down our faces we cry for all the change happening in our lives, in our world. We may cry because of pain, fear, sadness, joy. Whatever the reason, there is a freeing release. Depression/anxiety has been that gift for me.

Take time to acknowledge whatever feelings you have without judgment…and allow yourself the experience of having them. You will let them go when you are ready.


EGO is not our enemy

For so long I looked at certain traits in myself and I judged them. I told myself I needed to change. I told myself I needed to do better…be better. Until one day it clicked. All of these things I condemned in myself I realized were my gifts to the world. When I started to finally embrace these traits and see them as gifts, I stopped apologizing for who and what I was. It was in this moment, I felt free to find opportunities that support my gifts. For instance, I used to say I needed to work on myself and have less ego especially when I would think to myself “Look at me…see me.” Even as a teacher, I judged myself because I did better when I was observed. One day, it hit me.  My whole life I pretended to be putting on a show. As a child most of my imaginary play was based on me being watched and there was a time I thought for sure I would grow up to be a famous actor. When I had my AH HA moment, I turned it around and declared “I love to perform and have an audience. ” I turned a perceived negative trait into a positive one.  When we truly love and accept all of our idiosyncrasies and unique ways of being in the world, we realize these are our gifts. This is our unique puzzle piece to the whole in which we are all needed. When we have such love and acceptance for ourself, this energy goes out into the world as love and acceptance. Hold your head up high…celebrate ALL of you today. Only good can come of it.

Every person is a piece to this great puzzle of life

Whether you wait tables, clean rooms, heal the sick, teach our students, run a company, raise children, sell products, counsel others, serve others, we ALL are a piece to the whole and we ALL contribute in some way. Why do we value some jobs over others? Who made these decisions and why do we buy into the hype? Jump out of the box and hold your head up high. We all matter. Sing your song today no matter what work you do. We need you.