This whole pandemic, getting a rescue dog, other concerns I had . . . I was filled with intense anxiety.

I started spiraling into that dark place, the place my shadow lives. It is an indescribable and lonely place filled with terror. Those were the words I used in trying to describe it to my husband.

Two weeks prior I was feeling pretty good. I was using this time to slow down, get creative, be mindful, do meditation, yoga. What happened you ask?

I made a different choice. My friend Kate and my husband pointed it out to me. They reminded me that I stopped doing all the things that make me feel good. Not only that, my thoughts were filled with negativety and I chose it. I allowed it.

It all changed when I reached out for help. I listened to my close friend and did as suggested. I listened to an amazing video by Anita Moorjani and started practicing her suggestions. I signed up for a conference (via zoom) and listened to Goldie Hawn talk about the importance of mindfulness.

Today I had over a dozen mindful moments, breathing and listening. I did my work, I worked on my book, listened to the birds and sounds of nature, appreciated what I did have, turned every negative thought I had into a positive and what an amazing day!

Sometimes we just need the simple reminder that we always have a choice. When I started to tell myself how hard it is, I said “No, it’s easy.” And it was.

Pandemic Ponderings

When you feel unlovable it hits you like a sledge hammer knocking you to the ground. You instantly connect and remember every time you felt rejected, abandoned, left behind, ignored. You also remembered the times you pushed people away as if the idea of loving you was preposterous or just incredibly uncomfortable. Thus begins the dark tale…

The rollercoaster journey is life, I suppose. One minute you are riding the wave, you feel on top of the world, experiencing a natural high. Synchronicities take place, connections, ideas, discoveries. It can even be as simple as lying on the grass, stargazing with your partner or a friend. 

Bliss. Magic.

It was in the seventies. I was lying on the grass with a friend, gazing up at the starry night, looking for shooting stars. I could hear our families by the firepit at our camp site. I remember the thought clearly. 

“I wish this could last forever.”  

I knew the end of summer was near and I wanted to hang on to the feeling, under the stars.

Yet everything passes, even the uncomfortable feelings that come up on occasion. Noticing, not judging, has been key.

During these challenging times, many of us will face our shadow, yet again. We may feel sleepy, weepy or depressed. We may become anxious, obsessed, worried, afraid. At times we may feel energized, driven, creative, inspired. We may feel all of it, none of it.

No matter what you are feeling, acceptance without judgement has brought a sense of peace, surrender.

Like the glorious days of summer, this too shall pass. Hang in there. 

This crisis, this opportunity

During this pandemic I started like most others. I read the news, kept up to date until the fear seeped in. It’s hard for that NOT to happen considering we have never had to deal with a pandemic before.

If you have struggled with anxiety and/or depression, it can hit us hard. I mean, when I was 16 years old and went to Germany with my mom, I got so homesick because it felt like I had entered into another world. Depression set it. It took a bit to get acclimated and then I was able to enjoy the trip.

Huge change or the unknown can make anyone feel off kilter. For me, I needed to get off the ledge.

So I reached inside my box of tools and got to work. I stopped listening to all the news. I took a break from electronics. I read real books on my back porch, with actual paper. I meditated, practiced yoga, and did affirmative prayer. I puttered in the garden, did puzzles, played games, went on walks and listened to the sounds of nature. In addition, working from home, I immersed myself in projects and connected with others digitally.

My days were opportunities to really get back in touch with myself, my essence, and I felt a sense of freedom and peace. When the energy of grief hit, out of the blue on occasion, I allowed myself to grieve then I got back up. I used this energy by channeling it back to the planet as love and light. I did this regularly. It was the LEAST I could do. I am in awe of the brave heros on the front line. Thank you for your courage and for continuing to show up.

For those of you struggling, I send lots of love. How will each of us remember this time?

Friday Musings

I thought I was going to do something amazing. I had so many dreams, ideas, passions . . . then life happened. Some of the dreams were created and some fell by the wayside.

Sometimes I look around and I observe an old friend making a dream a reality.

I remember the disappointment.

What if.

I went a different direction I tell myself. It’s what I wanted, a different kind of journey. Yet why do I sometimes feel jealous?  Where is my adventure?

Other times I look around and take notice. I feel deeply the love and beauty of this simple moment in time. It is exquisite.  
This life has meaning I tell myself.

There is some other part of me experiencing the path not taken. I am told this is so.

Life is a rollercoaster of highs and lows. It has always been so for me. I would imagine that at any time, I can get off and get on the other ride and see where it takes me.

Or not.


Relationships and friendships have mostly been a disaster. As a young girl, I preferred a close friend over many. However, jealousy, feelings of disappointment, sensitivity, feelings of unworth and not a part of, however, went hand in hand.  

Whether friend or lover, the push, pull sense of wanting what I could not have and not wanting what I had was prevalent. 

I spent a lifetime trying to figure it out. What happened? What was wrong with me? Therapy, psychics, past life regressionists, reiki masters, psychiatrists, healers, hypnotherapists, counselors, workshops, spiritual advisors, metaphysicians, YOU NAME IT, I experienced it, trying to fix it.

It’s a “creeped out” feeling I would get when one got too close and I wanted to RUN FOR THE HILLS.  But the loneliness and isolation would sometimes threaten to pull me so far down, I feared I wouldn’t be able to return.

26 years ago, as my life started to change for the better and I started to get to know some of my patterns, I shared this confliction with a friend. We were doing a workshop together, Foundations for Living, and I shared with her that she needed to know that I was going to push her away eventually.  I shared my sadness with her about this need to get away when others got too close and she looked at me and said, “you aren’t getting rid of me sistah.” Notice the heavy Boston accent.

We do not live in the same city, but I still consider her my best friend, to this day. No matter what is going on with me, she is there for me. We are there for each other. She knows my perceived faults and loves me anyway. She allows me to be exactly who I am.

My husband is the same way. 25 years ago we met. When the love and kindness got too much to bear, I did everything in my power to push him away. I have written about this in more detail in my book.  But the bottom line is that I had much to heal, forgive, accept, love as I didn’t feel worthy of love coming my way. I thought I loved myself just fine until I was challenged to receive it and give it. We are all mirrors for each other.

Today, I like to think of myself as a strong woman. A woman who shares her truth, her authenticity with the world, knowing it’s going to piss off some people.  And I do this so imperfectly and have much to learn. I remind myself that I am doing my best and my best is enough. I am enough.

It hit me this morning, that the run from intimacy, the uncomfort I feel when it gets too much MAY JUST BE a part of who I am. And that is the greatest and most freeing feeling!  I don’t need to fix it, figure it out or even know what it is about. I only need to love it.

I am at peace with that.