This dread: Is it fear (I must push through) or just not who I am?

This subject came up recently. It is a topic that I have struggled with all of my life and I continue to explore to this day. Many times we find ourselves in situations in which we wonder what decision to make. Is it fear…or just not who I am?

In my life I have run, when I should have stayed. I have stayed because of the fear of trying something new.

I believe this gets easier when we figure out this most important question.

Who am I and what do I want.

I will give a couple of examples.

1. When I had fear or nerves take over at work, I chose to push through the fear because I really loved my work and wanted to grow. I always felt amazing after.

2. I once volunteered at this horse farm. I thought it would be great and on path because it was working with children and horses. But I got this dread about going. In exploring that further I realized that I felt bad for the horses. I did not get the impression they were happy at all. I gave myself permission to let it go. What came to me was to trust myself.

3. I once dreaded going on this trip with a group of people. I was not sure where it came from but I was feeling in a funk over it. In exploring further, I realized it would be good for me so I pushed through the angst and had an experience I will never forget.

In trying to come up with the answer it is important to trust yourself. But it is equally important to know yourself and know what you want. When in doubt, I close my eyes and picture the two paths of my inquiry. I turn my brain off and connect with my greater self. I then see which way my body goes and I trust it.

If I do decide to push through my fear, I utilize a trick Gerry Starnes (author, mentor) once taught me. I turn my fear into excitement. The body doesn’t know the difference.

Walking through change

 
My boy is all grown up.
 
When did this happen?
 
I blinked and it was so.
 
As I ponder back through memory fields during the time I went to college, as he is now doing, I sit with the intense feelings.
 
What if . . . I say to myself.
 
I explore paths not taken. At times, I anguish over decisions I made. I examine and grieve over lost relationships. I wonder what became of them?
 
Most importantly, when the feelings wash over me, I allow it to be so. I sit with it. I have peace in it.
 
I am so excited and proud of who he is and who he is becoming. I continue to ask him this simple question, “what do you want?”
 
It is the question I continue to ask myself.
 
Who am I?
 
What do I want?

The day I saved a tree!

A memory flashed back to my awareness today. This was a welcomed one. We were renting a duplex in the city of Austin. My son was young and, even though we were poor because of it, I chose to be a stay at home mom.

One day I woke up, went out the back door and noticed something vastly different. It was so bright! Instantly, I realized why.

The city had cut down a tree at a neighboring backyard and it took all of our shade away. Shade that gave us solace. Shade that kept my banana tree thriving in this drought-like climate. Shade that gave us comfort.

I cried. I was so devastated for my loss but also the loss of the tree, my friend.

As I sat there in grief, I heard and saw the workers in another yard, looking as if another tree was going down.

“No!”

This is where instinct kicked in. I doubt I would have had the same reaction had I been younger and unsure of myself. But at that time in my life, I was striving to live a more authentic life and I was awakening to who I was and listening to the internal messages I received.

I walked over to where they were and had a friendly conversation. They told me that the city was doing cleanup, cutting down trees near wires. They also told me that owners were giving them permission.

I got it. I understood. But if I remember correctly, there was no real threat. Trees could be trimmed, trees could be saved.

I remember the stand off. I told them I couldn’t leave. I became one with the tree.

I remember the awkward silence. The gentle amusement on their faces. They were kind and I wasn’t moving.

As these were all rental properties, miraculously I got the owner’s name and number and I gave him a call (while standing by the tree). He lived in another state. I expressed my sorrow and concern with cutting down his tree. And amazingly and feeling so relieved, he agreed.

I passed the phone to the workers and listening to the owner,  they packed up and left.

That was the day I saved a tree.

It is a memory that makes me smile with pride and joy for that gentle tree.

Clarity and focus

I cannot tell you how many times I have worried about a direction, problem, or change happening, completely forgetting that focusing on these things will keep me stuck in the problem or confusion. I have to often remind myself that I cannot see the big picture and to trust the process of my life.

However, that doesn’t mean sitting back and doing nothing. For me, when I get a nudge that doesn’t quit, it means something needs my attention. If I am confused about the solution and have no idea what it is, then I remind myself to put focus on and affirm every day that I HAVE clarity and focus.

It always works at the right time.

Prior to this weekend, I was really struggling with some concerns. I was totally in my head trying to figure it out and kept coming up empty. So I affirmed daily that I have clarity and purpose. This in turn opened the doors for different scenarios to come my way, because I wasn’t focused on the problem. I was focused on the solution.

Ideas never considered came my way and my way became clear. I knew what I needed to do and I was excited and relieved. Focus on the solution and TRUST the impressions you receive. Sometimes you need to jump right in or out and for other things you need to ride the wave and see where it takes you.

Spring back

My flowers were not doing very well for years. They had stopped blooming. I was unsure what happened and didn’t know what they needed. Over the years, I would water them, talk to them and wonder. I thought that possibly they were at the end of their journey, living a long and beautiful life.

Until today.

I went outside and saw this beauty and celebrated its vibrancy.

Have you ever felt like that? You are going along on your journey, feeling excitement and purpose. And then all of a sudden, bam! Whether it’s an illness, depression, a loss, a change, you wonder . . . what’s the point?

Life happens but this too shall pass. Magic does return. Sometimes we go to sleep for a little while but it never lasts. The beauty inside cannot be extinguished. It may grow dim but it returns brightly when ready.

We cannot see the big picture. Sometimes we may get a glimpse of it and other times we do not. Regardless, in trying times, allow yourself all the time you need. Be gentle and trust your process. When you are ready, your light will shine bright and the way will become clear. Reach out, ask for help and trust the inner messages you receive and most of all, don’t give up. But if you do, then give up trying to do things your way. Surrender to the greater you.

I recently did that myself, and my days became brighter and my closed-off heart started to open.

Spring is here. This is the time for many of us to awaken and spring back to life.